Just about 30 mins. ago, Brittany pulled out of our driveway to make the long trip back to college. I woke up this morning around 4:30 AM reminded that this was the day she'd be leaving. I couldn't fall back to sleep because all of the memories we've made over the past 3 months that she's been home came flooding back. I'm so going to miss her and how much fun we've all had together.
I have been feeling pretty weepy for the past several days. Blame it on hormones or just plain ol' momma heartache. I mean, this letting go business stinks! Until you've walked the walk, you really can't understand how much it hurts. Oh, you're happy for your child to be stretching their wings and learning to become more independent. That's exactly how it's supposed to be, right? However, keep in mind that for 20+ years, all I have ever really known is being a stay-at-home mom. All of my wants and needs have taken second fiddle to those of my girls...and I simply wouldn't have it any other way. Still, it does come as a kick in the teeth when your child leaves the nest. They're home strictly as a visitor and no longer as a full-time resident. It's so very different. I keep thinking that in just a few short years, I'll be an "empty-nester". What will I do with myself then? Guess the Good Lord is the only one who knows the answer to that one.
After I rolled out of bed in the wee hours of the morning, I put pen to paper and wrote Brittany a letter, just as I always do when she's about to leave for college. I sat there and bawled with every word I wrote...it was bound to happen! As she gathered up her last few belongings to take to her car, I handed her the letter. We hugged each other tightly and stood there and cried together for a moment or two...it couldn't be avoided. She assured me that we'd talk often on the phone and have Skype sessions, which I always look so forward to. Bless her heart, she felt so overwhelmed by the thought of having to unpack and set up her apartment without our help for the first time. She decided she wanted to do everything on her own and as much as I wanted to try and convince her, otherwise, it wasn't my place. I have to let her experience life to the fullest...and that sometimes means that I'm not a part of it.
We hugged once more, then she got in her car to leave. We waved goodbye and I watched her drive away. That sight is something I don't think I will ever get used to. I completely lost it when I went back inside the house. It's tough when you don't know when you'll see your child, again. It's doubly hard when you know that you can't make everyone like them and you can't protect them from all the difficulties and hardships that life throws their way. All you can really do is PRAY and turn it all over to God.
After Brittany left, I went back upstairs to make sure she hadn't left anything behind. I went in my bedroom and found a note she'd left for me sitting on my alarm clock. Every time she leaves, she writes a note for Chris, Abby, and me to find once she's gone. Her words warmed my heart and will help get me through these next several months. I'm already anticipating how wonderful it will be when I get to see her, again. Sure going to miss that girl of mine!
23 comments:
How tender and heartfelt. I can believe you when you say its something you cant understand until you go through with it. I myself have a while before I go through that.I'm not looking forward to it. I loved that you two wrote letters to each other!
This post made me cry. It's hard, I know.
So glad you had a good summer together... I know you savor every moment with your girls...But you've been through this enough to know now that it wont be long before she's home for her first break.
the relationship you have with your daughters is so beautiful, it honestly makes me a little wishful that I had that with my mom. But now that Im a mom I will strive to have a very loving relationship with my kids. Thanks for a great example.
cindie
Oh don't I know the feeling...{sigh}
Hang in there!
I've got about 18 years until this moment, but I still dread it. I know I'll be a blubbering mess. It really sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with her though. I love that you leave notes for each other. So sweet.
It's always hard to set them free! Have a good cry because you have given her everything she needs to fly. You've done good mom. You will always be her mom.
Joyce, so many of us have been through exactly what you described, and yet every time it happens to a friend, we remember our own experience all over again. On this side though I can assure you that you already have the answer and that is, the only thing we can do is pray, knowing God has them in His care. I now have grandchildren going off to college so in many ways am starting over because you never stop feeling that loss and loving concern for their well being. Thanks so much for sharing your heart.
Motherhood is the only job I know of where we deliberately work ourselves out of a job. Not that we ever stop worrying, caring and praying. I always tell DD that "once a mom, always a mom" ... and now that she has children of her own, she "gets it".
It's so sweet that you both leave each other notes ... I'm sure you'll treasure that until you see her again.
I understand how you feel, April...going way back. You have a special relationship with your daughters that will never end. Keep your sweet memories of summer close to your heart...but keep room for more!
XO,
Jane
It seems so wrong that if we as mom's do our jobs right we end up out of a job... At least it feels that way. Our Katy is only two towns away and I still miss her daily, so I don't know how you handle yours being so far away. My husband keep talking about us maybe moving away in a few years and I jst smile and indulge him, but with my gilrs putting down roots here I really don't imagine that ever happening.
that is absolutely precious - I pray for this kind of relationship with my "adult" kids some day (sooner than I think!) ...
what a sweet girl. you did something VERY right mama, good for you. it's been a while since i have had a chance to visit...bad bloggy friend, sorry.
What a lovely post. A friend of mine just sent her only child to the Citadel for his first year and I've been following her pictures and posts on FB. This reminds me of her.
How lucky you are to have had her home with you for the whole summer. This transition I believe is one of the hardest for us moms. It's definitely a process. I'm pretty good with it now 99.9% of the time but there is that 1% where I have an overwhelming sense of missing. I have a mental list of all the 'good' and it helps to visit that when I'm feeling low.
I think God has a way of preparing our hearts and making us ready. By the time your youngest is heading out on her own you will feel differently than you do today. Somehow you'll feel more ready. I'm not saying you ever get completely used to the empty nest but there is joy in every season and you will find that too. Hugs to you today!
Awe....I know how you feel. Even today when my grown 30-40 something year old sons leave after a visit I get teary eyed...
I just took my last back to school pic with all 3 of my kids on Tuesday. My daughter started her senior year and the tears have already started flowing. I know this the year of "lasts". Last school musical, last prom, last tennis match, etc. It is going to be the year of tears for me! I am not at all ready for her to leave and head off to college. Can't she just live with us forever????
Oh,((hugs)) April. As crazy as my boys drive me I can't stand the thought of them leaving the nest. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Devin will be in high school next year.
My stepdaughter who graduated high school in June leaves for college this weekend. She doesn't live with us but still...Charlie is having a bit of a hard time with it. Her mom and stepdad are taking her down Thursday and we are heading down on Saturday after they leave. She is needing the moral support, I think. I get the feeling I may see my husband cry.
oh mama, i can't imagine what that day will be like. i'm weepy over three day preschool. i guess being mom is all about a journey in trusting the Lord with our babies!
So sweet! My girl leaves tomorrow. She's flying down on her own and I'm feeling just like YOU! :(
As many others have stated, this brings back such memories for me. It has been many years now but I remember it so well. And, as someone else said, you will look back on this season with fond memories one day. Just wait until she marries. Oh, me! our daughter is now 13 hours away and I can hardly stand it but I do not dwell on it and am thankful that our son is here in our same city.
And, life goes on! Hoping that your heart is feeling lighter. Blessings as you adjust to another school year.
I'm so very sorry. I know it must be so hard to watch her pull out of th driveway. My heart breaks for you.
This touched my heart so much, April. I could feel your pain through the post. My daughter just graduated high school in the spring, and she is postponing college until next year. (She's been chronically ill, and is taking a year off.) She has been so sad these past couple of weeks, watching her friends leave for college, and I have been so sad for her not being able to go. Yet, a little selfish part of me is glad that I have her home for one more year. Such conflicting emotions.
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